When it comes to excuses for not paying the rent, landlords have heard it all.

Karen Schaefer, a Colorado Springs, Colo., landlord who has rented out single-family homes for about four years, says the most outrageous claim she’s ever gotten came from a problem tenant who was required to pay by cashier’s check because he’d bounced checks in the past.

“He said, ‘I had it, but my turtle ate it,’” she said. “He even pointed out that he couldn’t replace it because it was a cashier’s check.”

When Schaefer pressed him on his story — people usually keep turtles in check-proof aquariums, she pointed out — he told her with a straight face that the turtle ran loose in the house, climbed up on a coffee table and ate the check. Her response was an eviction notice.

“The stories get to be less and less funny over time,” she says.

The excuses aren’t amusing because if the tenant doesn’t pay the rent, it won’t be long until the owner can’t pay the mortgage. Tenant screening is the best way to avoid having to listen to ridiculous excuses — and go through the expense and frustration of an eviction.

That’s the key, says Janet Portman, an attorney who is managing editor at legal publisher Nolo and co-author of Every Landlord’s Legal Guide. Some landlords skimp on the tenant screening step because they’re anxious to get units filled. It’s never a good idea.

A thorough tenant screening includes a full credit report, income information, contact information for a previous landlord and current and previous employers, and references, says Beverly Stewart of Wilmington, Del., a veteran landlord with more than 20 years of experience. When you start making phone calls to those people, “grill them,” she says. “Ask crucial questions about paying rent on time, noise level of tenant, how they left the property, integrity, reliability and anything else you want to know as it relates to your property. You will be surprised at how much people will tell you. All you have to do is ask.”

Schaefer checks the credit, employment, rental history and criminal background of every adult who will live in the unit — and charges a $35 application and screening fee that she returns to them in the first month’s rent.

“It’s proven to be very effective,” she says. “No one bats an eye [about the fee] when they’re serious about getting a property.”

Schaefer goes over the lease in detail with new tenants, having them initial each section to indicate they understand what they’re signing — and the consequences for non-payment.

Discounts for on-time payment are a common incentive offered by landlords; Portman notes that these can run afoul of some state and local laws, especially in areas with rent control — so check with a real estate attorney before making such an offer.

And she nixed the practice of one landlord, who makes his tenants fill out 1099 Miscellaneous Income tax forms and threatens to submit them to the IRS in the event the tenants don’t pay rent. According to the IRS, it’s not a legitimate use of a 1099. In cases when a landlord provides rent-free housing to an on-site security guard or property manager, that is taxable income to the tenant. But it doesn’t apply to tenants who stopped paying the rent.

According to Portman, threatening to turn in delinquent tenants to the IRS is downright slimy — and probably would cost a landlord some good tenants.

“That,” she says, “takes the cake.”