Lonni's room and Tiffani Thiessen's reaction. (Photo: hgtv.com/designstar)
Saved By the Bell. Beverly Hills, 90210. The D List. It's not exactly Hollywood royalty, but for this week's episode of Design Star, it'll do. The remaining three designers get a shot at designing a room for (minor) celebrity clients. But will their designs be decidedly D list, too? We’ll see.
Laminate, labradoodles and eco-luxe.
This week’s Design Star starts again with Handsome Dan’s bare torso. I love you, Dan, but you’re no David Bromstad.
But soon the designers are wisked off to their respective celebrities homes for the contest: Antonio is redoing Kathy Griffin’s office. Lonni will tackle Tiffani Thiessen’s guest room and Dan will transform Jason Priestley’s guest room into a nursery.
Dan is star-struck, saying his sister will be so excited that he’s in Brandon Walsh’s home. "This is big-time for me," he gushes.
Oh Dan. Can we have a moment? I’m concerned about you. You’ve been in the bottom the last few weeks. Last week you bought an $11,000 classical gazebo for a Zen modernist back yard. And when Jason and his wife tell you that they want something California beachy/Cape Cod-y, you immediately think of putting hulls of ships on the ceiling? I’m concerned about you.
I’m also worried about Antonio, with Kathy as his client. Now, I love Kathy Griffin. She’s the definition of irreverent. But I’d be terrified to have her judge anything I did. She’ll say the meanest thing possible if she thinks it’ll get a laugh. Remember the Emmy’s?
And she starts out that way. After nattering on about how she wants a modern Zen feel to her room, she stops short, looks at Antonio’s rocker tee and camo shorts and says, "Are you… Are you straight? How’d I get stuck with a straight guy? I don’t feel comfortable. What about my fan base?"
Then she proceeds to duck Antonio’s questions about what she wants in the room and what colors she’d like, concluding by telling the camera in an interview that she’s just humoring him.
"Really nice camo shorts, Antonio," she deadpans. "Whatever it takes."
Then she thinks again and adds, "If it’s not perfect, I will go off. You have no idea."
Scared of that, and scared for Antonio. On the other hand, she’s probably the perfect client to bring Antonio’s stratospheric ego to earth.
Lonni, meanwhile, has a dream client. Tiffani and her adorable husband show Lonni to the already well-appointed guest room, saying they’d like something muted, earth toned and eco-friendly.
"The thing with eco-friendly is that sometimes it looks very modern," Tiffani warns. "We’re not modern people—at all."
OK, Lonni—you of the chevron pattern and the bold base plates--you’ve got your work cut out for you. But given your sophisticated take, I somehow have confidence in her. Lonni’s growing on me.
So they’re off to shop and get flooring and to order supplies. This challenge, HGTV is letting them go all out: They have a $20,000 budget, three days and the services of not one but two carpenters to help them out.
And there’s also something else that’s a huge gift to the designers. It seems that, for the first time, they’re not chained to Sears for their furniture. Thank God. I suppose the show producers knew you couldn’t get eco-luxe or Cape Cod from Sears’ collection of scrolled-arm sofas and stodgy, traditional end tables. Antonio makes one token visit to the store to get some questionable rose and purple paint, and then they’re all off, finding some of the most beautiful children’s furniture, organic bedding, and reclaimed wood for the spaces.
Antonio, meanwhile, heads out to a specialty shop and orders a bunch of custom-cut desks, bookshelves and a very cool idea for a map of the U.S. Instead of just taking a map and mounting and laminating it, he has the shop router out a piece of wood in the shape of the U.S. and then covered with plexiglass, so Kathy and her staff can use it as a dry-erase board for upcoming tour dates.
When it comes out, it’s phenomenal.
And now for a guest spot. As the designers frantically install hardwoods (Antonio goes with laminate—really, Antonio? For a woman dripping with designer clothes? That’s a big red flag to me…) and slapping paint on the walls, designer John Gidding drops in. John is a designer on the network’s Designed to Sell, but he’s no Lisa LaPorta.
Anyway, he starts with Dan, who’s assembling his ill-advised ship hulls that he’s going to dangle from the ceiling. John has the same instinct about them as I do.
"How is that not themey, though?" he asks gently. When Dan doesn’t answer but just reiterates, John seems to shrug and let it go. The subtext, to me, is, "It’s your funeral."
At Kathy’s house, John is inexplicably impressed with Antonio’s concept, despite the fact that the room is bare but for the lavender paint on the wall. Antonio postures about how hard he is on himself, and John says weakly, "It’s not just a generic office."
Is he intimidated by Antonio? Could be.
His visit to Lonni’s room is a love-fest, though he questions her lack of a very bright color to offset all the grass wallpaper she’s pasting to every bare surface. It’s pretty, though. And when you see the gorgeous pattern printed on the wallpaper that will go behind the bed, you’ll lose your breath. Really exceptional. I’m not a huge fan of grass cloth since I grew up with it, but she makes it somewhat modern.
As the designers finish up, it becomes clear that Dan is pulling straight from the HGTV playbook: He bought curtains but broke them up with a shiny brocade. He painted a painting (again, he’s trying to be Bromstad 2.0), he made an “art piece” with the ship hulls on the ceiling. It seems like every show on HGTV pulls these crafty projects out. I wonder why none of the designers have done this until now. It seems like a sure way to curry favor with the judges. Hey, at least he didn’t paste tissue flowers to the wall.
As they finish, Lonni’s gorgeous room hits a major wall, no pun intended: The piece of reclaimed lumber she’s planning to use as the headboard is late, the installer seems inept, and suddenly, with 15 minutes to go, they can’t get it to hang on the wall. Flustered, Lonni has to make a decision: Does she remove the headboard entirely, or jerry rig something that could get her booted off the show?
She goes with the jerry rigging. Oh, Lonni. Don’t do it! The wallpaper is enough.
But do the judges think so. Let’s find out.
They start with Dan. First he hosts his room, describing it to the camera as if he already had his own show. The good news is that he’s a lot less giggly than he was two weeks ago. The bad news is that he still looks like a deer in headlights.
But at least the Priestleys like the room. Jason’s wife, who smiles through her scary Botox face, purrs that the room is "delicious." They can’t believe it. Love.
And I have to say: The hulls turned out much more minimalist and sophisticated than I’d expected. The room is a little overcrowded and unfocused, but at least it’s not the themey mess I had been anticipating. I think I love the hulls, actually.
And the judges agree. Genevieve Gorder declares it "a designer room, finally." Candice Olson declares that "there’s a sculptural quality to the boats."
"You are going to design heaven for that one," she gushes.
Vern Yip praises Dan’s painting and says he chose the perfect time to "step it up and be a rock star."
Their only criticism is of Dan’s stiffness on camera.
Well, I guess we know someone who will be in the top two.
Next is Lonni, who’s hosting is fine, and whose room is beautiful and expensive looking. The couple love it. My favorite reaction is Tiffani’s husband, though, who declares, "This looks so rad."
Yeah it is, dude.
Tiffani, meanwhile, has designs of her own.
"I think I want to ditch our master bedroom and actually sleep down here," she says. "We’re hiring her again."
Her husband nods. "Done."
The judges love it, too: Vern says she’s "just gorgeous on camera," and Genevieve declares her to have a "great temperament."
That strikes Candice’s fancy, though and she won’t let it go.
"I love that you say that she’s got a great temperament," she crows. "Kind of like a labradoodle."
Uh, thanks?
But then the lovefest peters out and they focus on some niggling things. In fact, it seems that Lonni is too good at her job. Candice says that she loves the big statement walls Lonni does, but Genevieve turns that into a criticism.
"How is this different from the chevron pattern of two weeks ago or the home plates of last week?" she asks. "I’m not sure."
Then Vern zeros in on the big flaw in the room: The headboard propped against the bedside tables. Lonni explains herself, and Vern seems to think it shows naivete.
"It’s always important to realize what are realistic projects to get done in the time allotted," he says, more gently than usual. "But other than that, for me this room is such an unexpected take on eco-friendly. You definitely have proven you belong in the top three."
See, this is where I start treating Vern like he’s an oracle, or Alan Greenspan. What does that mean? Is he saying she deserves the top three—but the top two, not so much? Now I’m worried. How could I be so wrong this week?
And finally, it’s Antonio’s turn, and he’s doing his usual macho gruff-guy hosting, slamming his hands on the desks and the bookshelves. To me, the room is the ugliest of the three, all dark, muddy colors and impersonal desks. The map, of course, looks great, but the rest could benefit from some serious styling, some accessories that show me he did more than just install desks. I don’t see it and I’m bored. Next!
Except.
Except that both Kathy and the judges eat it up.
"Oh my God, you’re the first straight guy I’ve ever liked! Congratulations," says Kathy. "I don’t care what [the judges] think because I sign the checks."
But I guess it’s bizarre day on Design Star because what I hated, the judges love: Candice loves the lavender and gray color scheme, saying it’s “very hot right now.” She also loves how functional the room is. Lots of rooms are functional. It doesn’t make them pretty or well-designed.
Vern praises the map, which is, admittedly, pretty cool.
And then there are the small criticisms—literally. Vern critiques the itsy-bitsy side tables and storage he adds to the room.
"It almost looks like a hobbit went shopping for this stuff," he says. Which is funny, because Antonio is, like, 6’3” or something.
Genevieve, at least, agrees that the room is a little too staid.
"What I’m waiting for is something a little unexpected from you," she says. "The map almost gets there but I wanted something even more."
So will it be Lonni’s fabulous but expected focal points and lazy headboard, or Antonio’s boring office that cost one of them a shot at the finale?
It turns out that Lonni really should have left that headboard out, because she’s going home.
But Lonni is a class act to the end.
"I have nothing to be ashamed of," she says as she leaves. "I think I’ve done a great job and I feel like I’ve grown as a designer."
Good for you Lonni. Keep your chin high, girl. And who knows? Maybe TLC or Fine Living will offer you a show. I can see it now: “Focal Wall with Lonni Paul.” Has a good ring to it.
I’d watch it.—Heather Boerner