Team Nathan's whole lotta look. (Photo: HGTV.com)
Would you let a band of as-yet-unproven wanna-be home makeover show hosts loose in your kitchen?
If you said yes, then maybe you deserve the kitchens that two hopeful homeowners got in the Kitchen Challenge of last week's "Design Star." One looked, as judge Vern Yip wisely noted, "like a rainbow threw up in there." The other was like the kitchen of a spaceship after taking a beating in a shower of asteroids -- and where the astronauts have ceased eating.
Lauren Lake, where are you when we need you?
Moroccan-Italian-Baroque-Warm-Modern Hot Messes
It's pretty clear at this point in the series that the judges aren't even looking for someone with charisma or a host we could stand to watch for a half hour every week. Right now, they're still trying to separate the hideous from the theoretically palatable.
This episode starts with the 10 remaining designers perched behind stools, with Design Star paint cans in front of them. Raise the lids, and surprise! Two stars on the inside of the lids, and two randomly selected team leaders. One is Nathan, the clear frontrunner and winner, along with Handsome Dan, of the first week's challenge. The other is Amy, whose most notable trait to this point was crying before meeting her competitors and going along with Lonni's dismissive treatment of Antonio the previous week.
They choose team members "playground style:" that is, Nathan and Amy go back and forth selecting team members till they're down to the last one. No surprise here. Torie is chosen last again. Poor Torie: Picked to join the show by the other designers clearly because she posed no threat. And now picked last like she was the klutzy kid in a grade school game of dodge ball.
Amy immediately starts grating: A lady of not just tears, apparently, but also a million caws and cackles, which she uses to express herself when she can't find her words. Then she names her team Team Heart.
Really?
Yes, there are more girls on the team. Yes, they have Handsome Dan, who is pretty enough to make some viewers' hearts jump. But c'mon. Have pity on us. That's ridiculous.
Then on to meet the homeowners: Team Nathan gets an Italian-American mom of three who emphasizes her Italian pride but also that she wants the home to be Moroccan inspired. Ooookay.
Team... ugh.. Heart gets a family that wants a combination of warm and modern. You know, opposites at once. Awesome.
With $20,000 to burn, they do what I would do: Both teams rip the kitchen down to the drywall and then start throwing their designs against them. For Team Nathan, that means that Jen, the supposed color expert, decides that one strong color isn’t enough for the sparse wallspace. No, no. How about three? Deep blue, saturated rose, and an earth tone. The colors compete with the rustic dark cabinets, with the two different colors of marble countertops, with the brightly patterned valance, with the jewel-toned Moroccan-inspired lamps over the island. Oh yeah, and with the faux-pressed tin backsplash.
Oh but wait, they aren't done! No, state fair-bound Jason is charged with styling the room, which as far as I can tell means buying every dark wicker bowl and bin he can find, dressing the window sill up with a Buddha candle holder in the window (... because Buddha was secretly... Moroccan? Or did I miss the story of Buddha's trip to Venice?).
It is, as my favorite reality TV doyenne Tim Gunn would say, "A whole lot of look."
But at least they finished. After a few days of work, Team Heart left the room looking like the work of cut-rate contractor with a low rating at the Better Business Bureau. And it's too bad because they had an elegant design plan. Dark, modern cabinets, lightly veined marble countertops, a cool-looking vertically ribbed tile backsplash. Hardwood floors. I would choose that room myself.
Except. (And there's always an except, isn’t there?) The cabinets aren't square because Amy can't stop dithering long enough to put a level against her cabinets before she screws them into the wall. She attempts to move a huge fridge into the house with just a dolly and Lonni, and whimpers and complains the whole time. "Moving a fridge is pretty hard for a little girl—even with a dolly." Poor baby. Don't come anywhere near my house.
And then it gets worse: Amy's staccato hoots and caws crumble into a tear-filled panic attack. She's the team leader, but she ends up sobbing into Dan's chest. Puh-lease. Dan ends up looking competent and kind in comparison. Hopefully future episodes will show that to be the case.
And Tashica. Girl, can we talk? I love you--love your style, love your energy--but I'm about ready for you to go. If you don't want to look like a flake, stop breaking wine bottles when you're moving things. Stop forgetting to measure the dimensions of the space while your team waits on you. Stop delaying buying and styling the room. Time's up and the floor is still dirty, one door is not on a cabinet, there are no accessories in the room. Maybe they should have taken some off Jason's hands. Yikes.
And then there's judging.
Clearly, the judges like that at least one team finished the challenge. But they don't love the rooms. It's really like choosing between the lesser of two terribles to pick a winner.
In addition to Yip's "rainbow throw up" comment, Genevieve Gorder reels from the number of chotchkies in the room and the competing colors and design, adding "It doesn't have to be a punch in the face at every angle."
Strangely, the homeowner loves the place. She and her daughters squeal at the results, with one daughter noting, "It looks like my mom designed it herself."
To which I have to ask, Is that a good thing? I wouldn't brag about that if I were you.
In any case, despite chiding from the judges, Team Nathan inexplicably wins.
Team Heart? Well, Yip quickly declares the half-finished room "The Heartache of the Home." Ouch.
Looking around at the ill-fitting granite countertops, unfinished tile backsplash and exposed electrical outlets, Yip adds, "It looks like an earthquake hit it.” Burn.
Gorder asks, "Where's the soul?" Double burn.
And when Candice Olson asks, "Have you seen Design Star before?" Well, you lose.
Sure, she's asking about the fool-hardy decision to install time-consuming tile. But the question is still stands.
To cover up their collective incompetence, the team enthusiastically heaps the blame on Tashica who, admittedly did a lot of running around but not a lot else.
While the judges are deliberating, Tashica offers up a feeble, "I didn't feel like anyone listened to me. I was the dismissed person on the team." Save it for your exit interview, lady.
But just when you think Tashica will be the easy out this episode, Amy starts crying. Again.
"Leaving that kitchen in that condition for the family was absolutely the worst," she admits.
Later, when Dan says that he took a "silent leadership role," Amy weakly says that she definitely took charge of the design aspect.
But this exchange sealed the deal:
Yip: What did you take control of in the room?
Amy: I have to be really honest with you, I was really all over the place.
Gorder: You were the assistant.
Amy: Yeah.
And… she's out. Delusional to the end, Amy announces in her exit interview that she "went out swinging." Really? Because I don't call playing the Little Girl Card going out swinging. Even if you swing like a girl. Irritating.
Still, it should be interesting in next week's infamous "white wall" challenge to see how Dan takes Tashica return for another week just under the wire.
Readers: Between an over-designed and an unfinished kitchen, which would you choose to repair?—Heather Boerner