Ah, home improvement reality TV. How you lull me in with the promise of home makeover magic, and hold my attention with an hour of snarky remarks, terrible designs and cat fights. Right now, HGTV is my favorite on this front. I made sure to catch HGTV’s Showdown, Sunday nights, for the side-by-side comparisons of what second-rung design show stars could do to bonus rooms and yards in four hours. I cheered when on-the-brink homeowners Fabian and Lisa were able to save their home from foreclosure by out-designing their neighbors on HGTV’s $250,000 Challenge. And don’t even get me started on the fun of Rate My Space.
Now another reality show is coming at us on HGTV’s Sunday night time slot: Design Star. And Cyberhomes, which has written about the difference between reality TV shows and the real life experience of flipping a home, is going to keep you up to date on every show.
This week: Pink geese, scary murals, and painted floors--oh my!
Meet the designers
Here’s the thing about Design Star: Unlike Bravo’s delightfully catty Top Design, Design Star is middle of the road by necessity. After all, one of these folks is going to walk into someone’s home one of these days with color swatches, bolts of fabric and a camera crew, and try to convince someone to paste candy wrapper foil to his dining room walls — you know, because it’s classy! This isn’t strictly speaking about cutting edge design. It’s about thrifty and friendly, fast.
So the contestants, you’d think, would be charming and friendly. Instead, we’ve got a ham, an ice queen, a few snobs, some also-rans and one or two with potential.
First, meet Jason, the southern belle whose soul patch is almost as grating as his overconfidence. Apparently this guy is a radio host, but in commercials, he’s the one who seems least natural, least at ease with an audience. And, to be honest, he seems a little confused about the duties of a design star. He gushes to the camera that he’s ready for his “state faire appearances.” Really? You’ll be doing a lot of those, will you?
Next, there’s got Lonni, the early villain. It’s not just that her air of entitlement seems to choke her as much as I imagine all the hair spray she needs to keep her perfectly lightened tresses in place. It’s that she’s both obnoxious and underqualified. There’s always one contestant who doesn’t sew but wants to win Project Runway, who doesn’t hang wallpaper but wants to win Design Star. Lonni’s this year’s model. Add to that her condescending “I don’t do the physical stuff myself, because, you know, I have people who do the physical stuff” attitude, and I’m waiting for her to do a room herself. It’ll be all peeling wallpaper and akimbo shelves. I, for one, am looking forward to it.
Then you have the flurry of nine other designers, one of whom was selected at the last minute — by her competitors. Guess which one they chose? Right — Torie, the big-haired southern gal who nails moulding to a wall and calls it a custom media room. Yeah, she’ll surprise me if she gets to episode four.
There are others I’m sure will assert themselves soon enough, but for now are one dimensional. The best I can say about Jany is that she’s got great fashion sense (loving the cognac kimono belt over the gauzy slate blouse — very modern). The worst I can say about Jen is that she wears her hair like she’s in second grade (because she’s quirky!) and also a snob: The only color consultant on the show and one of only 151 such consultants in the country.
Then there’s Dan, whom the network is already pitching as “handsome Dan.” Oh no. I wonder if we’ll have a repeat of season one, when winner David Bromstad took his shirt off at every opportunity.
Then there are the winners and losers of the first week’s episode. The challenge was to redesign five rooms in an old Hollywood Hills home. They divvied up $50,000 among themselves (can you imagine spending $50,000 on your home? I can. Solar panels, hardwoods and some new kitchen appliances. You?) and got to it. After three days, here are the winningest and losingest rooms:
Big winners:
The Dining Room
The judges were blown away by Nathan and Handsome Dan’s dining room, a giant space they decided to fill not with storage solutions like a hutch or nice, modern floating cabinet, but with a craggy black, white and grey wall mural that spilled onto the floor. The best touch in the room, to me, was the handmade wood table. Light wood with a hole cut out of the middle for vases to poke up through. Cool idea, but very adults only. I shudder to think how many Cheerios and Hot Wheels would be lost that way.
Still, when the judges said “He’s definitely one they should watch out for,” I was betting they were talking about Nathan, the 25-year-old furniture designer, artist and interior designer. He also has the ignoble distinction of upholding the hallowed tradition of reality show contestants with faux hawks. Is the trend over yet? Can we please move on already?
The Living Room
This was probably the biggest space in the house, and it was the one designed by Ice Queen Lonni, Jen and tattooed horndog Antonio. (Horndog because he asked in an outtake if judge Genevieve Gorder was married. Dude, keep it in your pants for the first episode, please!)
The room was classy and modern, in shades of purple and white. But Antonio was right to fight back against the conservative instincts of his two prissy team makes. His claim to fame, which the judges deemed “brilliant,” was to paint the wooden geese over the fireplace hot pink. He was obsessed with hot pink. I wonder if this will be a trend.
Sure, it was a welcome pop of color and helped balance the room. But a genius? That seems a bit much.
And the losers are:
Master Bedroom
Oh ladies. What did you do? The room had so much potential. A fireplace, a killer view of the Hollywood Hills. And the team members, NataLee and Tashica, turned it into a harlequin nightmare. They waited till the third day to paint the floor* and were surprised that when they pulled up the tape (probably too soon) they pulled up paint, too. They duct-taped headboards together and duct-taped the curtains to the walls. They couldn’t find twin comforters so they cut queens in half and left the edges frayed. There wasn’t a finished seam in the room. They turned the fireplace — a huge attraction that should have been filled with candles — into an aquarium, for goodness sake!
If this were Project Runway, my fairy godfather Tim Gunn would have put a finger over his mouth, narrowed his eyes, and sighed, “I’m concerned.”
And it’s such a shame, because I had high hopes--for Tashica, at least. She walked into the house with her little pixie haircut and chartreuse cropped sweater and fabric flower, and she looked like a girl I’d see walking down the street in my beloved San Francisco. But she was all enthusiasm, and no clue how to make her idea work.
But then there was NataLee. Poor, exhausted, mis-capitalized NataLee. The girl didn’t eat, didn’t drink, started crying and nearly collapsed. And that was before the room was even finished.
When the best compliment you get on your room, from Gorder, is “I get your concept and bravo for having one,” you know you’re in trouble. When design diva Candice Olson says, “I’m so embarrassed for you I’m almost speechless,” your heart should sink.
And when sweet Gorder snaps at you, “All of us have worked for years to get our own shows and you’re getting handed one like that. And now you’re standing up here whining and crying that you didn’t eat or drink?” you know you’re toast.
And so she was. NataLee was the first to have her show “cancelled.” Tune in Sunday for the next Design Star episode, and next Friday for our recap.
*Can we talk for a second about the floors? I mean, what is with painting the floors? Most of the designers did it. Look, I get that you don’t have much time, if one of these aspiring TV designers walked into my house and said, “We’re going to take the subfloor and paint it! A jaunty silver!” I would smack him or her and kick the designer and the crew out. And if the folks on Showdown can install a hardwood floor in four hours and do a design, so can you. Man up. Quit giving us painted subfloor and start being realistic!—Heather Boerner